Hansel in the Woods (revision)

  "What's to become of us? How are we to support our poor

children, now that we have nothing more for ourselves?”

Lang, Andrew, ed. “Hansel and Gretel.” The Blue Fairy

Book. New York: Dover, 1965.


Hansel in the Woods


found we wandering

                    weathered bones

sisters, brothers

                    dead, dead


before sun falls,

                    black branches gleam

squish wet leaves

                    squish, squish


sisters and brothers:

                    forest feral

running fox-wild

                    stink and fur

bit to bone


finger this jaw

                    heart-shaped teeth

brother's grin

                    charming mother

mother charming


vulpine panting

                    tongue dry once pink

resonate his thoughts

                    in bone-cracks


I say prayers I was taught

                    by father

who has forsaken

                    me he has


never live past nine

                    mother's children

sacrificed to trees

                    older ones gobble

greedy gobblers


babies fear and love her

                    fear and love

great goddess-mother

                    giver and taker


Gretel little

                    gives to me

crust of bread

                    dry in mouth

last food


I am walking in woods

                    do not know

when free comes

                    a wing from a tree


Lucy Simpson, Seattle, revised 12/2008



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Comments

erc

I like what you've done with this Lucy,

the format now sets the rhythm.

I can hear it being spoken.

One thing-

I would cut the final line

and make the last line the penultimate line.

Very good work

e

Lucy
[this is good]
Thanks for the critique. I think the pruning needs to happen in the middle and not at the end. I like the idea of freedom coming down as a wing. This was experimental for me to get inside the head of Hansel, who is young and starving. It was actually scary. Thanks. I always feel awkward when I go out on a limb.

Lucy
Noone
[this is good]
I really like "found we wandering"--the inversion of the syntax and lack of a subject in the first line. I agree that the middle needs pruning, but I'm not sure about what Erc said about the last line. I could see it going either way and if you think the last line should stay then it should stay! PS. Thank you so much for your comment about my Frank O'Hara/Alice Notley paper. So far you are the only one of my friends to comment on it... Does that mean it's too difficult or boring or what?
Lucy
[this is good]
Hey Renee.

I find that most people who read blogs are looking for quick words and images. The political and theoretical articles are not as popular.

Thanks for commenting. I was trying to get in the head of a starving child with this poem. I hope to prune it when I have more time.

Lucy, tired from her holiday party
Noone
[this is good]
Yes, blogs are usually about the quick fix. Thank you for reminding me. I look forward to finishing my Vision Board paper so I can comment on more than just my favorites (You, Aubrey, Iris, & Reckon).
Lucy
[this is good]
Hey Renee.

Thanks for pointing me to Iris' site. I added her as a neighbor. Reckon and Aubrey are two of my favorites too. I also like Eric's poetry and Lavender's photos. Vox has been a very good place for me.

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