Night Divers on the Ocean

Dec 4, 2008 at 12:48 PM
6 comments

To rock upon the night ocean

The night divers and me in the ship

The moon, a work of scrimshaw shines

The palest eye seen

A dragon's pearl-orb tossed among the stars

On the rocks, a seal barks low and deep

bass to the thrum of the boat's whine

below lights tickle the waters

and a mystery is hidden from me

In the warm night below

it will be as if my mother is swaying me

as I drift off deeper

still deeper below the covers

Lucy Simpson, Seattle, 12/2008

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[this is good]

The ocean means many things to all people - from a down comforter to a dragon's moonstone eye. I love how it arouses everyone's imaginations, how its meaning is endless.

You can write wild and beautiful and personal about the sea, and a reader will still nod in agreement, because there was some point when his thoughts have gone in the same direction.

I'm nodding in agreement right now.

[this is good]

Thanks Aubrey! Water is a theme in my poetry, a recurring one. This poem is not my best work. It was more of a word pattern that emerged while I was driving. It may turn into more at a later date.

[this is good]

Hi Lucy, I don't think you need to add to this poem. It can be complete in 3 stanzas, minimalist. I really like the word scrimshaw in line 3 and I like the subject, the sea. You probably hate when people do this, but here's how I would edit the first stanza:

To rock upon the night ocean

the night divers and me

the moon, a work of scrimshaw shines

the palest eye seen

a dragon's pearl-orb

tossed among the planets

[this is good]

Hey Renee.

Your edits are really good and I will incorporate them. I like this kind of critique and often do it for others. I like planets instead of the more common stars and I like the break up of the lines, though I was trying for a longer meter, which I don't usually use.

I'm still not terribly jazzed about this poem. Sometimes it takes a while for me to separate wheat from chaff, or chum from fish, in my poetry. This one is a recent catch.

Thanks for taking the time to read and critique. I always appreciate critique.

Lucy

I thnk you have to anchor (no pun intended) this down more Lucy.

All my 'issues' with the work occur in the first stanza. Its rather "old man of the sea-ish"." The "scrimshaw and dragon images are too predictable, in

a sea poem, even a dream seascape. It needs developing, put it in the moment and I think it will work.

I certainly do like the rest of it though.

eric

[this is good]

Thanks Eric. The poem does not work for me. I think the key to fixing it is in Renee's rewrite. I think, I will then get a feeling, a purchase on the shore. Thanks.

Lucy, who needed feedback and thanks you

Night Divers on the Ocean

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